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September 11, 2013
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what didn't you give to yourself?
you must see it in me, how i wear
heels like i'm not sure who put them
on. how i don't talk about the ones

who put me on my knees. how i stay
there now willingly. i wonder if you
ever swabbed the back of your throat

like stroking the swathe of scales
sheathing a snake or if my acts are
the physical manifestation of what you

have been trying to do for years: pull
out the shame. i wish i could love myself
half as much as the love i wish i could give

to you

because i know that i pinch my thighs
like you know i dream of pleasing you know

i can't sleep like you know i eat like you
go mute like you drift through memories like
you. the limitations, those persistent lip

peeling lines, where i want to tell you
i can't decide what disgusts me more: the excess
or the inadequacy. the part where i buy the
two-piece for the beach or the part where i
am scared to wear it, where i wonder if poseidon
will turn me into a sea urchin for my unsightly
audacity or pity the decayed figure mimicking life

on his hallowed sand. and this is the aftermath
of those things which change you from woman to
echo, man to statue, greed to the minotaur tallying

sharp edges and the shadows they puncture. this is
the consequence of being struck by lightning; looking
at your body like it's a witch burning in slow motion.
staring at the pyre & the charred legs and being
unsure which most resembles you now. where is joy

when i spend my waking hours wondering if it all
comes down to appetite. if strength is how
much you can swallow and if weakness is what
you cannot bear to digest and why there

is no mention of the quarantined bar-rattling
mouthless craving for an existence that doesn't

internalize the expectation of restriction and
the inability to cut yourself down to size.
genesis. and then everything that came after.

are we so alike? do your lips turn blue in your dreams? do they push you down the stairs? do you wear your best white dress?

i think it is the smallest humiliations that remind you how deep the damage goes.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-01-04
to the woman who eats cold apricots by ~sleepysheepdog ( Suggested by UnspecifiedUnknown and Featured by Beccalicious )
:iconspiderwebwisher:
SpiderwebWisher Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

Hello, I'm a contributor for LiteratureRoadtrip and you have been featured in this week's FRIDAY FEATURE Thank you! :heart:

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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014
Super late reply, but like hooooooly smokes. That's lovely. Roadtrip bros, y'all da best. Seriously, though, thank you very much. 
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:iconimmortalrae:
immortalrae Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Professional General Artist

wow out of all the DDs ive looked at in like 4 or 6 months this one is one of the most striking. I am so glad i stopped to pull it up.

 

I am sorry about your ED. I wish you all the luck and support I can through this pixelated world. I have no idea personal experiance with this, but as someone who developed low blood sugar from not eating breakfast when I was in high school because i didnt wanna eat that early, I understand how little things first start as small things and then turn into something much more detrimental (lol spelling?? im so tired XD).

 

COngrats on the DD, even if its personal I think thats what makes this even more important and more... needed to see in this world. If we could only understand other peoples points of views better, then maybe we could help stop these sorts of things from happening to others, and help others heal and feel better about themselves.

 

Btw if nothing makes sense Im sorry xD I just got off a 10 hour shift at work on like 3 hours sleep xD

Reply
:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
Oivey, allow me to say this comment started by ruffling my hair (delightfully!) and then it just hand-fed me snickerdoodles to the end.

I accept your pixelated support as you are human and excellent and also because communication is clearly not invalidated by being online since I got the honor of touching you with my poem and then the honor of being touched by your comment. EDs are not fun and I think they are like old age: suddenly you're just there. 

You are clearly a very compassionate person and I'm glad our lives intersected. 

Please no worries about lack of sleep! I am generally right there with you! 

Thank you thank you for the comment. 
Reply
:iconimmortalrae:
immortalrae Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Professional General Artist

Im glad my comment was able to touch your life how your poem touched mine. I feel a lot of things are like that, suddenly you're just there. I've been coming to terms with my skin disease and how you said that, suddenly you're just there is how I feel about it.

Communication is important in all forms it takes. Sometimes I feel like people get disconnected using the internet but that's why it is all the more important to try and make those connections.

Aww thank you ^//^ Im glad our lives intersected too :)

Glad to know I am not alone in the sleep deprivation department!

Thank you for the reply!

Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Student General Artist
I love the weird line breaks... what are those called? I can't remember! :hug:
Reply
:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
Enjambment! Lovely poetic device, that. Thank you thank you, the weird line breaks adore you back. A burgeoning romance perhaps between you and my line breaks? What a scandal.
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Student General Artist
Yess!! I had forgotten what it was called. Hmmmm.

And you're welcome, dearest author.
Reply
:iconyourninthlife:
YourNinthLife Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconlittleheartplz:Wow! I hardly ever view the DDs, but I'm glad I glanced at the bottom of the page, and your wonderfully thought-provoking title, along with the preview of the first lines, were great and pulled me in. So, naturally, I had to read it. :p

This style- where the words, lines, paragraphs, and sentence structure are choppy and fragmented, and allowing each line, paragraph, and sentence cut to be placed how the reader wants, is beautifully fascinating and free. It gives the chance of allowing a much wider interpretation, and however contrasting with the 'choppy' feel, also manages to bring the whole piece together in a fantastically graceful and fluid poem. You pulled that off super well, and it almost seems like the piece just sings to me. 
I love it.

I also like the comparison methods you use in this, and the beautiful way you describe things. I think my favourite parts were definitely the throat scales, posideon, and charred legs. mmm.

... " i wonder if you
ever swabbed the back of your throat

like stroking the swathe of scales 
sheathing a snake or if my acts are
the physical manifestation of what you

have been trying to do for years: pull
out the shame." ...


... "the part where i buy the
two-piece for the beach or the part where i
am scared to wear it, where i wonder if poseidon 
will turn me into a sea urchin for my unsightly
audacity or pity the decayed figure mimicking life

on his hallowed sand." ...


... " this is
the consequence of being struck by lightning; looking
at your body like it's a witch burning in slow motion.
staring at the pyre & the charred legs and being 
unsure which most resembles you now." ...

( lmao look at me. practically quoted the eNTiRE poem huehue. but t'was just so beautiful )

These part really gave me an interesting visual, but a visual that stuck in my mind and just... connected with me. amazing:heart:

I also love how in the beginning, the subject of the poem is rather foggy, and allows a huge amount of personal interpretation. Like :iconandvili:, I almost imaged a dominate/submissive relationship, haha. However, towards the end, you tied together the loose ends and brought what you were meaning to say in a wonderfully powerful manner, especially with the words "
where is joy // when i spend my waking hours wondering if it all //
comes down to appetite. "

I think EDs are a terrible thing, and I believe no one should have to go through such a difficult lifestyle. But, that is a reality of life, unfortunately. And, like any other challenge, I believe to look at it as 'life throws you hurdles not to trip you up, and make you fail, but rather for you to gather the strength and courage to over come them.' I commend you not only for this amazing piece of writing, but also for you. Because I think a lot of yourself has been reflected in this poem. And this poem is beautiful. Not only that, but upon reading the other comments - which I think should be larger in quantity on this deviation, considering how great this DD is- you seem like a very wonderful young woman who has an amazing way with words.~ You have a great deal of charisma and personality, and it truly is a feat to respond to every single comment (especially on a DD), with such cheerfulness and genuine personal insight. ^-^ 

So, congratulations, darling, on this amazing DD. I hope you have a fantastic day, and a blessed new year my friend!Heart_pixel 

p.s., I also wish you some wonderful tomato and basil soup as well! granted, you like tomato soup. if not... well, then you know how the rest goes. c;

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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
YOU. YOU GAVE ME THIS. YOU GAVE ME THIS AND I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR IT. 

I absolutely apologize for the late reply. The new year has given me the gift of a very busy schedule (and not like jetting off to tropical islands or ice-cream parlors kind of busy, like school and work kind of busy) so while putting off replying to this majestic fucking comment, I have indulged myself by reading it multiple times in the duration of my delay.

I'm not sure you fully grasp how longwinded I am, but you have already doomed yourself by starting up what looks to be a shiny-happy-good-things factory right here on one of my poems. 

The style has been cultivated over years of lessening restraint on my fingers and larynx. Ahaha, this style is as close to how I speak while still maintaining at least the veneer of poetic integrity as I can get it. The line breaks depend entirely upon instinct and I write things first-draft-only and submit them. I jokingly call it "poetic bulimia" (gallows humor), and occasionally wonder whether the poetic is an extension of the physical or vice versa and then I remember that poetry always came first and has never been desecrated by any part of me--even and especially when I was and am writing about it. 

The grace and fluidity should be attributed to my beautiful mother, the cold apricot eater herself, because the tone fashioned itself in her image. The shape of this poem is her silhouette in that way.

Oh! The images! I was also a huge fan when the "swathe of scales" image bubbled up out of my cauldron. I felt so lucky to have grabbed it and held tight before it disappeared under the onslaught of all the other possible images. Just the thought of knowing you are an animal in an animal, that base instincts become baser as in sick as in wrong as in belly to the ground. It was a devastating image--hard to swallow, you might say (I'm on a roll, sorry).

And then Poseidon, attracted to beauty and innocence like all the other gods (who are sinister in their own way, in their power and pretension), seeing some creature and being offended by it just for sharing the same air. The power dynamics there were very important to me. It was important because there is the conveyance of a self defined not just by being low, but by being lower than and inferior to another being--which represents shame and mothers and that elusive boy who always seems to come along--this all summed up quite tidily. 

Mmm, I feel like you just picked out the fine china in this piece. Charred legs or the pyre? The destroyed or the destroyer? And does it matter when they are both rendered obsolete and wrecked?

Yes yes and then the "where is joy" part; I think every poem has you wanting to say this one thing, a culmination a summation that simple cutting reason for why you have to write the poem in the first place, and this was that part. 

Eating disorders are a terrible thing and writing is not at all a terrible thing and I'm glad we are in agreement about this. Thank you for giving me something as precious as this comment. I thought it was tremennnnndous. I am absolutely floored and pleased and honored when people take the time to give me a tiny bit of themselves and enjoy responding in kind. So thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart to the top of it. 

I hope you New Years kicked all the other's New Years' asses. I did have tomato soup, though I admit I will most likely be making lentil soup this week instead. I wish you bountiful bubble baths and hearty meals of soup-or-pasta-or-cupcake-like concoctions (whatever you like, really!).

Thank you again.

Reply
:iconmaskedarmada:
MaskedArmada Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
Oh I love this. Firstly your writing style is fantastic. And secondly you deal with this subject brilliantly.
I too have to thank you for this!
Reply
:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
No need to thank me, though I very much accept your thanks all the same. 

Ahaha, my writing style asks to be a nice medium between arranging a summer bouquet and pulling nails out of my chest so I try to appease it as best I can by opening myself to that kind of brutality for an hour or two while I write. I don't always get it write, but when I do, I get beautiful comments like yours. So thank you again.
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:iconrhynwilliams:
RhynWilliams Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014   Traditional Artist
congrats! :hug:
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
Thank you thank you!
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:icongreatgidding:
GreatGidding Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for this
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
You are so welcome. Always always always. 
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:iconkatleidoscopic:
katleidoscopic Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't get it, will someone explain?  ^^;  Very nice poem though
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
Oh my goodness, please don't worry at all about asking for an explanation! I am a firm believer in asking about things you don't understand and I admire you for doing it. 

This poem is written addressed to my mother, "the woman who eats cold apricots", in an attempt to understand why I suffer from an eating disorder. I ask whether me hurting myself is any different from the ways she does because I do it holding the same thoughts she does about beauty--mostly, that we believe, in some fundamental way, that we have none. 

It is an appeal to a loved one and it draws parallels between us and in a horrifying way, bonds us closer together because of the grim gross similar nature of our thoughts we both hold about ourselves. The themes here are: a mother-daughter relationship and what a daughter inherits from her mother, the idea that shrinking will never make you big enough to hold the good things you are constantly reaching for, and what it means to live with an eating disorder.

I hope this helped and thank you very very much for the comment. 
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:iconkatleidoscopic:
katleidoscopic Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh thank you!! :hug: Congrats on the DD, I really like this!
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
Thank you thank you! And you are absolutely welcome!
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:iconderiveanemone:
DeriveAnemone Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Almost like a stream of consciousness, but seriously powerful. No-one should have to deal with eating disorders.
Reply
:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
We are in agreement! I also think eating disorders are universally no fun and none of us should have them. That said, the struggle to live without one is fairly difficult. And I'm glad you mentioned power--power being something I think we've got to recognize ourselves as having without purging or starving or binging. 

Thank you very much for the comment. 
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:iconsciencevsart:
sciencevsart Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I had to read and reread and cut and cut the skin of the lips... Didn't even realise it was about eating disorders until halfway through. It's beautiful in a grim, painful sense; cuts hard with every change in tone, every missing punctuation mark another gaping hole in the tongue.

Whilst I cannot claim to understand how you feel, you have my huggingest Internet arms.

On a completely unrelated note, your writing style is visceral.

I like it.
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
Yes, an eating disorder generally just kind of creeps up on you. When an isolated act becomes a string of actions becomes a habit becomes a serious problem becomes detrimental. Yes yes, all those gaping holes created by the acid instead of filled with them, which unfortunately takes a while to figure out. 

Thank you for the hug--I don't turn those down. 

On a completely shit-eating grin note, visceral is a gorgeous word that makes my hands curl into satisfied fists. 

Thank you thank you. 
Reply
:iconsciencevsart:
sciencevsart Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are very welcome :iconyuihugplz:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
A DD, eh? SO deserved, Ms. Hannah. (:
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
My dear wonderful treasured friend, thank you very much. When I signed in, I mostly thought, huh, that's a lot of messages. And then I was like, fuuuuuuck ohhhh. So that was fun. I'm actually feeling a little shy about this one getting a DD. Not that the rest of my poetry isn't ultra personal, but this one's a legitimate sore spot. It's still an honor, of course. 
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sore spots need a little attention sometimes, ya know? Even if we don't want it. I'm just glad when people recognize your brilliance. (:
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :party:
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
Oh, thank you kindly. Have a spectacular day. I wish you many bowls of tomato basil soup. Unless you hate tomato soup, in which case I wish you some other kind of soup.
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure! :heart:
I don't really fancy soup. I like pancakes. Lots of them :la:
But soup is healthy, so i eat it sometimes ^^;
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:icondevonix:
Devonix Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Professional Interface Designer
...
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
!!!
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:iconandvili:
Andvili Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
At first I thought this was about a dominant/submissive relationship, then I read your comments to find it's about ED. I suppose that's an interesting juxtaposition, there, somehow... it would make more sense if it weren't 3:30 AM and I weren't on hydrocodone.
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014
AHAHA, I totally went back and started reading and began to laugh my ass off. That was a wonderful refreshing amazing interpretation and I received some much needed emotional nutrition from it. So thank you for that. So much oh god. 

This poem is actually written to my mother, the woman who eats cold apricots. Lots of ideas about beauty are inherited from our mothers and I find it is especially true for me. 

Personally, I don't think I could have asked for a better 3:30 AM, hydrocodone-driven comment. Thank you thank you, lovely. 
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:iconandvili:
Andvili Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Guess it's good to see what an outside view can see, huh? lol

Glad you enjoyed the comment. I hope you're okay. EDs are horrible, after all, and if your mother influenced this... well, I can only speculate on how all of that affected you. :/
Reply
:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014
The outside view was spectacular, seriously, I swear there were fireworks that formed the shape of nipple clamps. 

I am doing well. It's all about fighting instincts and habits and forgiving yourself when you don't. As for my mother, I think all of the women in my family have been taught to believe their bodies are ugly and useless to some degree and even having children or siblings doesn't make those problems go away. It took a long time for me to realize how deeply hurt my loved ones were long before I showed up on the scene.
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:iconandvili:
Andvili Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lol. Glad I could entertain then! lol

Good. I'm glad you're doing well. :) Sucks that your family was hurt like that. :/ No one ever should be, in my opinion. I wish I could give everyone my lifetime prescription of Fukitol and Nofuxgivyn. It helps! :D
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: We already chatted about this so no long rambly comment from meeeeeee.
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:iconuntamedunwanted:
UntamedUnwanted Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This beautiful piece was featured here: untamedunwanted.deviantart.com…!
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013
Thank you very much. I will most definitely check out the other features. The title is for my mother, who like her apricots after they'e been in the fridge for at least a day and a half. 
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:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student Writer
everything about this is hard-hitting and real.
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Thank you very much, ma'am. 

I guess the thing is that discourse over eating disorders really frustrate me. I think eating disorders are like dreams. Most people have them and they all manifest uniquely for an individual. You know, some people need the control. Some people need the visceral purging of what they view to be guilt or shame. Some people need the repulsed disgust at the mixture of vomit and tears on their chin.

And it is tied to the beauty ideal to some degree, I think, but not nearly as much as it is made out to be. The concept of beauty is a tool through which this specific self-destruction can be viewed through and built upon. And I think that needs to be talked about, I guess.

But! I didn't intend to talk your ear off, bumblebee. Thank you thank you thank you for commenting. 
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:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student Writer
i totally understand where you're coming from, thank you for explaining.
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Dude, anytime. 
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Also, frustrates*. Typos and I go way back.
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
i'm thinking about a spring wedding. 
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:iconsleepysheepdog:
sleepysheepdog Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
april? early may?
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
i like early may. 
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